American Ninja Warriors is back! A new season began yesterday, and boy are we excited! What, you don’t watch the the TV show with all the young, toned, bodies going through an incredibly difficult obstacle course, with stations such as the Warped Ramp and the Jumping Spider? Get through the course, make it to the next round, and maybe you can compete at Mount Midoriyama to become an American Ninja Warrior Champion. Barb and I were watching last night, cheering along with the live audience as breathless announcers Matt Iseman and Akbar Gbaja-Bioamilia and obligatory female sideline reporter Kristine Leahy made it feel like we were watching Game 7 of the Lebron-Steph match up.

The contestants come from all walks of life-soldier, school teacher, Eskimo.  But I think the ANW producers are missing the boat. So with apologies to NBC and the Esquire Network, I present you with “American Ninja Warriors–The Race for the White House.”

MI: Good evening Ninja lovers. We have a real special show for you tonight. Three contestants, battling on our custom course, mano a mano, mano a womano, as they fight for the Presidential prize.

AGB: And what super special contestants we have tonight, Matt! We have rookies and veterans, testosterone and estrogen, great hair and not so great hair, but each of these has been preparing for over a year now for this challenge.

MI: That’s right Akbar. And in a new twist to our ANW format, each contestant will go through a DIFFERENT set of obstacles. At the end, we’ll see who really has enough to be our American Ninja Warrior President. Here is our first contestant, he started as the real long shot, Senator BERNIE SAAAAAANDERS! Bernie is racing out to his personalized course, throngs of screaming college students chanting “Bernie Bernie!” And here’s his first obstacle, the No One Wants a Socialist for President Long Jump. Bernie races to the edge of the pond he needs to leap across, pushes off, and flies through the sky.

AGB: Look out Matt, I think he going to fall short. Don’t get soaked by his splash landing! Kristine, what does Senator Sanders have to say?

KL: He is in shock, Akbar. But before he passed out he told me he will be back in four years, tougher than ever. Ya gotta love the spirit.

MI: Thanks for that insight Kristine. Hear that cheer? Yes, the Donald has arrived on his personal obstacle course.  And there he goes, shooting past the first challenge the Giant Hair Brush, leaping from bristle to bristle with ease. Now he is on to the Wacky Wall climbing hand over hand while Department of Immigration officers shoot tranquilizer darts at him. And he is over the top, he is over the top! He is heading for the Women Hate Him Sexist Swamp. He has to swim through all that muck and the slop, what a disgusting mess.

AGB: Oh no, he is going down, I don’t think he is going to make it out of that morass! Let’s see what he has to say Kristine!

KL: Mr. Trump has collapsed, but before he did he invited me to his dressing room. Ya gotta love that spirit.

Crowd Noise: “Hillary, Hillary!”

MI: Here she is, the ladies choice, Hillary Clinton! And there she goes. Slithering past the Server Snake Steps. And she is just flying over the Sharply Falling Poll Vault.

AGB: But oh no! She is being buffeted by the Benghazi Bullet Brigade. I think she is going down. Kristine, what does it look like from the sidelines?

KL: Secretary Clinton has slipped into unconsciousness from blood loss. But before she closed here eyes she told me she was nominating husband Bill to run in her place. Ya gotta love that spirit!

MI: That ends this weeks episode of ANW-White House. No winners tonight, but be sure to tune in next week when Joe Biden, Mitt Romney and Elizabeth Warren battle it out to be the next American Ninja Warrior President!

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