George Carlin set the standard. His “Seven Words You Can’t Say on TV” has lasted for more than four decades as both a comedy classic and as a listing of what American eardrums are too sensitive to hear being broadcast. Yes, there have been some breaks in the wall,  and cable subscribers have moved well beyond his words both aurally and visually.

And now we have the seven words/phrases the CDC can’t use. Things like “science-based,” “fetus,” and that truly shocking word, “transgender.” I am sure some Trump bureaucrat wanted to add the word “truth” to the banned list,  but that would have meant delisting an important word such as “entitlement.”

Not knowing what is coming next, in a pre-emptive move, I have decided to delete the following 7 words and phrases from my future pathology reports. With luck, this can become a nation-wide trend and we can all live happier, healthier, lives:

1. Breast: I don’t want any impressionable schoolboys tittering over my reports. “Mammary Gland” is an acceptable alternative, but cutting funding for mammography screening should help us eliminate breast biopsies, and we can forget about them entirely.
2. HIV: White, heterosexual Christian males don’t have to worry about this. On future reports, I will replace the acronym HIV with “The Gay Virus from God.”
3. Emphesyma: I will call those giant air spaces I see in miner damaged lungs “Parenchymal Pillows.” No way to link that to the rebirth of American coal mining industry.
4. Ovarian: Men don’t have ovaries. Therefore why report on them? No substitute word needed.
5. Malignant: People who know they have cancer want therapy. Freeloaders, such as Medicare recipients, expect the government to pay for the treatment. That just increases the national debt and forestalls more tax cuts for big donors. My future pathology reports will refer to cancer cells as “not-quite-normal cells.”
6. Diagnosis: Too much certainty. I will only use this word when accompanied by a totally loony “alternative diagnosis” agreed to by Sarah Huckabee Sanders.
7. Nuclear: To me, it means the center of the cell, but to others, it’s the sound of bombs away. “Round thing in the middle” will have to do for now.

Or maybe I should just retire now.

The opinions above are the opinions of the author and not of UroPartners LLC.
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