No more swimsuits, no more evening gowns. In the biggest development since firing Bert Parks in 1979, the Miss America Organization has revealed a change in focus for the Miss America Pageant. Physical appearance is out, replaced by an emphasis on the organizations stated mission: empowering women and handing out millions of dollars in scholarships. Personality and intelligence will be championed.  These are good goals and I wish the pageant (excuse me, it is now a “contest”) well. 

I would like to take this time to announce several other updates in various competitions, contests, and quests. Changes will begin immediately.

1. Forget the Super Bowl. The NFL Champion will be the first team to guarantee at least half of their players and coaching staff will show up for a White House greeting from President Trump.
2. The Nobel Prize for Literature will continue to be canceled until someone can interpret any of previous award winner Bob Dylan’s lyrics.
3. All future music and video award winners will go to whomever Kanye damn well says they should go to. It is expected 95% of future awards will be his to keep.
4. Meryl Streep will be nominated for an Academy Award for Best Actress whether or not she makes a film in a given year. Robert DeNiro and Johnny Depp have requested this designation for themselves as well.
5. The National Spelling Bee Champion will here-to-fore be the 17-year-old who can create the largest number of new Emojis in a 20-minute time span. No new dog poop Emojis will be permitted.
6. The World Cup Soccer Champion will be determined by…never mind, don’t care.
7. The winners of “The Voice,” “American Idol,” and “America’s Got Talent” will be the contestant to most accurately predict the number of hook-ups, divorces, and leaves of absence for “exhaustion” among the coaches and judges.
8. The “Airline of the Year” will be any airline that makes me happy. Leading contender this year, EVA. Look ’em up, they are good.
9. Print Magazine of the Year will go to any magazine that still appears in print.
10. The President of the United States will not be the winner of the popular vote, but rather the candidate who obtains the blessing of a mystical body known as the “Electoral College.”     What, we ALREADY do things that way??? That explains a lot…

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photo credit: pageantcast 2011-08-03 Galaxy International Pageant via photopin (license)