Like many of you, Barb and I have travel credit cards from a few different airlines. When we use them we accumulate an airline mile or two for every dollar we spend. When we purchase flights using the cards we enjoy perks like free baggage checking and slightly early boarding. And there is a nice extra that we always forget to use, once-a-year admission to a fancy airport lounge.

We carefully nurture our miles, hoping to earn enough for a big trip somewhere, someday. But I admire United Airlines for seeking out creative new ways for getting us to redeem our hard-earned credits. Today’s email from the airline invited me, as one of a select group of card owners, “to join us in our brand-new, state-of-the-art training facility in Houston as you spend a day in the life of a flight attendant.” At the amazingly low cost of 10,000 miles!

My pulse is racing as I envision the exciting day in Houston. The invitation promises not just a tour, but also chances to sit in on Flight Attendant Classes, to slide down evacuation slides, and even to simulate a water landing–what the airlines call “wet ditching.” Sure sounds like the most fun I have had since Disneyworld…not. And did I mention that “light breakfast items” and lunch are included? I bet there will be enough food to cover a whole tray table, while my neighbor hogs the armrest.

Sadly, I think United’s marketing people sent this invitation to the wrong person. With all the information they have on file about me they should know this 67-year-old retiree who has never been in the service industry is not all that interested in how United Airlines trains their in-air staff. This exclusive offer should have found a better offeree.

If I’m going to go for training in Houston, it will either be to learn how to cheat from the Houston Astros or get the hang of flying to the moon at NASA’s Johnson Space Center. I want to fly high with the big boys!

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