What’s in Your Wallet? There’s a Little Aluminum Foil Package In Mine.

You can’t always get what you want

but if you try sometime you find

you get what you need.

The Rolling Stones-1969

I don’t leave it to chance anymore. There is always one in my wallet, sealed in its aluminum pouch. It was Barb’s idea. “You’re out and about and wish you had one, and then you get irritated when you try to buy one and can’t get the type you like.” After almost forty years of marriage, I have learned to listen to my wife on matters of such importance.

It wasn’t always a necessity. I used to be able to get them with ease. Every store had one of my favorites. Barb could buy them for me anywhere. We could share one, or I could grab one even if Barb wasn’t around.

It is a lot tougher to find what I want now. Last month we were headed for what promised to be an interesting evening at the home of friends. From past experience, I knew our hosts wouldn’t have any and it would be prudent to bring my own. Maybe I was distracted when we left our house, but I forgot to grab one or two from my stash. Realizing my slip-up, we stopped at a convenience store and I searched the shelves. I found plenty of exotic varieties. But where were my favorites? I unearthed a pile of them in the back of the store, unwrapped, unappealing, and not for sale. But I convinced the clerk I absolutely had to have one, and we negotiated a price. We closed the deal and the night was saved…I had my Lipton Tea Bag.

Yes, when it comes to my tea, I am a demanding purist. Give it to me black, without bergamot or orange rind. Load it with caffeine and make the water hot enough for a full, rich brew. No fancy blend is needed. Plain old English Breakfast will do nicely. But the supermarkets are crowded with frou-frou flavors, and restaurants are even worse. When I ask for tea at the trendy neighborhood trattoria, the waitress will flip open the polished rosewood box and tell me they “have Herbal Raspberry Zapper and Decaffeinated Green and of course Chamomile with Rose Hips.” Or the snooty waiter at the four star joint will tell turn up his nose and say “we have first blush, the finest tea in the world,” for a mere $25.00 a cup. I beg for Lipton. And if my favorites cannot be found? I whip the aluminum pouch from my wallet, rip it open, and ask for a pot of boiling water. Let them charge me a corkage fee, I am brewing my own! I was never a Boy Scout, but now I know. When it comes to my favorite drink, just like everything else in life, it pays to be prepared.

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An Icon Abandoned, and It’s No April Fool Prank!

Oh this is the night…

…it’s a beautiful night.

Lady and the Tramp–1955

Who reads the “Legal Notices” in the back pages of their daily paper? Sandwiched between obituaries and want ads, the notices provide legally mandated information that is hidden away where no one will read it. As a Stevenson High School Board of Education member years ago I remember that’s where we stuck the notices notifying the public about bond sales. I’m sure the notices are the precursors and inspiration for all those annoying fast talking announcements at the end of television car ads. You know, the part where you learn what your “no money down” car is really going to cost you. But the other day in the lunch room I had finished scanning the obits without finding anyone I knew, and my eyes continued to the next column. And in the “Legal Notices” section I found this, and I shuddered:

ABANDONMENT OF TRADEMARK “NOODLE RONI”

The Golden Grain Company…has determined that the Noodle Roni trademark is no longer of use to the company…it will forever relinquish and abandon…all right, title and interest.

It is part of my childhood that is being abandoned! OK, I admit that my family never bought Noodle Roni. My mom was a Rice-a-Roni (The San Francisco Treat) chef. Rice, vermicelli (never knew what that was) and packaged flavoring. A great compliment to Kraft Macaroni and Cheese in the blue box — we ate a lot of starch in those days. Noodle Roni seemed like the little orphan step-child of the Golden Grain family. It never got quite the respect, and it really didn’t have as good of a jingle as big brother Rice-a-Roni. But how can you kick your baby sister out the door? Had the world really forgotten Noodle Roni Fettuccine Style?

Well, the truth is actually not quite that depressing. A little research revealed that Noodle Roni was renamed Pasta Roni many years ago. It comes boxed in a few different flavors, and single serving bowls — just zap and enjoy!– are out there too. I guess in this sophisticated, modern world, “pasta” is a far more impressive word than “noodle.” But Noodle Roni was etched into my youth and I will miss it. So if any of you have a case of Noodle Roni squirreled away in your 1950’s era bomb shelter, send me a box. I am sure it had enough to preservatives to survive, even if it’s name will not.

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Never Let a Doctor Plan Your Lunch!

You can get anything you want…

…at Alice’s Restaurant

Arlo Guthrie-1967

It seemed like an easy enough chore, planning for a laboratory meeting next week. We have a few things to discuss, including an upcoming accreditation inspection. Lunch time meetings tend to be the most convenient and are the norm, with the company usually ordering in the lunch. But I didn’t want the lunch room table cluttered with the large pizza boxes or or worse yet chaffing dishes, that would get in the way of the materials I was planning to distribute. Pre-ordered individual sandwiches seemed to be a good alternative. Along with a bag of chips, the sandwiches would be easy to pass out to each lab employee and still leave the table fairly free of clutter.

I had been hearing a lot of Jimmy John’s radio commercials recently, and I figured that any place that advertised Freaky Fast sandwiches should be a snap to set up and order from. I Googled their website and flipped over to it. What I wanted was a fax order form, something I could print out, stick on the lunch room table a few days in advance, and collect everyone’s order. Easy squeezy. Until I explored the web site. Couldn’t find the fax form that I had in mind. But there was a tab for “group ordering.” That’s what we were, right? A big group of hungry laboratorians.

First step, choose pick up or delivery. Fast delivery is what these guys are supposed to be known for, and besides, no one here has time to run out and do a pick up, so that was an easy choice. Entering our lab address for the delivery was a bit more frustrating. Enter the address, click next. Oops, getting an error message saying the nearest store is closed. Well, of course it is closed, it is 8:00 a.m. I didn’t want to talk to the store, just set up an online order on the system.

Finally, after 20 minutes of link pushing, I was able to have the lab address accepted and find the online order form. Let’s see how this works. Enter the date and time we want the delivery. Enter all my lab people’s email addresses so the site can send them an email with a link to our group order. I can include a little explanatory message. The employees can then follow the link and place an order. I can even limit the amount they can spend–we have some big eaters. I laboriously enter all the email address (can’t use the “quick option” because not all the emails are going to the same domain) and press “Send”. Error message pops up “You Must Choose Your Recipients.” OK, I put check marks in the boxes in front of everyone’s name and press “Send” again. Same error pop-up. Reclick same boxes and press “Send” for the third time. Success! Jubilation! Until I get three beeps from my Inbox. I check and see I have now received not one, not two, but three emails from Jimmy John’s inviting me to place my order. And oh yeah, the emails give me a 15 minute deadline for placing the order. Nice! Just right for confusing and/or panicking the employees.

Called the local Jimmy John’s–by now enough time had passed that they were open. Explained the situation, and got the expected “We don’t have anything to do with the website and don’t have any way for you to contact them.” But they were informed enough to let me know that unless everyone who had gotten an email responded, the order wouldn’t get placed. Great! One non-compliant employee and everyone starves, or at least misses lunch.

At this point I did two things right. First, I found the “Cancel Order” tab. Fortunately, that one worked. Second, I asked our lab office manager for some advice. She suggested Chipotle. They have a nice, easy to use, fax order form. And besides, we have a bacteriology lab. Worry about Salmonella? Not in our house!

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The Candidates Speak On Education

And I’m never going back…

…to my old school.

Steely Dan-1973

An article in this week’s Time Magazine reexamines the concept of starting high school classes later in the day, to better fit the circadian rhythms of teenagers. Scientific data supports the change, but most school districts find it impossible to make the change for financial or cultural reasons. As a past Board of Education President, I can understand the difficulties these school districts face, though I believe at Adlai Stevenson High School, where I spent my Board time, the push of the community would have been to start classes earlier and keep them going later…and I served BEFORE there was such a thing as a Tiger Mom.

As the political climate heats to a boiling point, Downsize-Maybe decided to interview our presidential candidates on the idea of later starting time for high school classes. A highly edited transcript follows:

DS: Senator Rubio, what are your thoughts on school start times?

Marco Rubio: Late starts could never work in Florida. We need our high school students to begin class early and finish by 2 pm so they can go to their restaurant jobs. Don’t forget, Early Bird dinners start at 3. We need our youngsters ready to serve! And except for Miami the whole state closes at 9 pm anyway, so the kids should be able to get plenty of sleep.

DS: Governor Christie, we know you are pulling out of the race, but before you leave what do you think? Should New Jersey push back school start times?

Chris Christie: I have already accomplished that. I just close down the expressways so the kids can’t get to school before 10 in the morning. They can get loads of shut eye on the bus.

DS: Governor Bush, should high school children start school later in the day? Governor Bush? GOVERNOR BUSH???

Jeb! Bush: Sorry, I was just dozing off there. And I think sleeping high school students is a problem. You know my sister-in-law Laura was a teacher. She is just one of the fabulous Bush family who strongly support my candidacy for President of the United States of America. Let’s seem, there is my father George, he was a President. And my brother George, HE was a President. And my mother Barbara, she SHOULD have been a President. Now what was your question again?

DS: Senator Sanders, what is your opinion on this important matter.

Bernie Sanders: I have thought about this very very very carefully. The kids all love me. I’ll give em all the schooling they need, and all for FREE. Let ’em wake up whenever they want as long as they vote for good old Uncle Bernie.

DS: Governor Kasich, what time should high school classes start?

John Kasich: Let’s just all be friends, can we?

DS: Senator Cruz, would you like to weigh in?

I categorically object to the idea that the current President has the right to appoint a new time for high schools to start class. Never in over 200 years of this country has a lame duck President changed school start times. I am not even sure he is the President.

DS: Senator Clinton, early or late school day start?

Hillary Clinton: When I was First Lady, I supported education. When I was a Senator I supported education. When I was Secretary of State I supported education. When I was a woman I supported education. NONE of my opponents have been all those things. And if you don’t believe me, just check my email server.

DS: And finally Mr. Trump, do you have any thoughts to add?

Donald Trump: I’ll tell you what I am going to do. My first day in office, I am gonna cancel school. Not just for one day, for ten days. We will have a party. It will be huuuuge. And then the whole world will know that America is great again! And oh, don’t forget to wake up Governor Bush.

DS: Thank you candidates. You have all been illuminating. I can’t wait to vote!

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In other news, good weather means we should be pouring more concrete soon. And American Airlines has stepped up to the plate with some vouchers. Life is good!

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