Hi Joe,

Remember me? It’s me, Dave. You know, the guy who can fill in for you at a moment’s notice. The dude who looks enough like you behind a pair of Ray-Bans that the Washington press corp gets fooled for a minute or two.

I took the job, with its hefty paycheck and the 24/7 on-call responsibility, with the understanding that it would be all quick hits. You know, things like when I took over for you when you got the stomach flu on the evening you were supposed to meet the Japanese ambassador. Or the time I stepped up to the plate when the Little League champions came to the White House for a photo op and you had a bad case of sniffles. Heck, I even did the teleprompter thing for you at a donor luncheon the day Jill needed you to bring some boxes to her classroom.

But Joe, I’ve got to tell you that I am worried. I’ve watched the debate; I’ve seen the George Stephanopoulos interview. And you know what has me upset? Not that you might lose the election — though that sure looks likely. I’m worried about the small chance that you are going to win!

Here’s the skinny. We know that you are a trooper between 10 am and 4 pm. But what about all the policy breakfasts and state dinners that are outside of those hours? If you are Prez for another four years are you going to need me to substitute for you on all of those appointments? Am I going to have to give up ALL my “Netflix and Chill” nights to pretend to be the “President”? That’s not quite what I took this gig for. After all, before I became your Dave I was retired and loving it.

So please Joe. Think of me and get out of the race. I’m happy to do another five months of fill-ins, wherever you need me. But after that why don’t you retire to sunny beaches, gentle waves, and Tequila Sunrises. And let Kamala or Donald or whoever get their own doppelgangers–this one wants to go home.

With Warmest Regards.

Your friend and imposter,

Dave.