Confessions of a Presidential Doppelgänger: Why I Need Joe to Hang Up His Hat

Hi Joe,

Remember me? It’s me, Dave. You know, the guy who can fill in for you at a moment’s notice. The dude who looks enough like you behind a pair of Ray-Bans that the Washington press corp gets fooled for a minute or two.

I took the job, with its hefty paycheck and the 24/7 on-call responsibility, with the understanding that it would be all quick hits. You know, things like when I took over for you when you got the stomach flu on the evening you were supposed to meet the Japanese ambassador. Or the time I stepped up to the plate when the Little League champions came to the White House for a photo op and you had a bad case of sniffles. Heck, I even did the teleprompter thing for you at a donor luncheon the day Jill needed you to bring some boxes to her classroom.

But Joe, I’ve got to tell you that I am worried. I’ve watched the debate; I’ve seen the George Stephanopoulos interview. And you know what has me upset? Not that you might lose the election — though that sure looks likely. I’m worried about the small chance that you are going to win!

Here’s the skinny. We know that you are a trooper between 10 am and 4 pm. But what about all the policy breakfasts and state dinners that are outside of those hours? If you are Prez for another four years are you going to need me to substitute for you on all of those appointments? Am I going to have to give up ALL my “Netflix and Chill” nights to pretend to be the “President”? That’s not quite what I took this gig for. After all, before I became your Dave I was retired and loving it.

So please Joe. Think of me and get out of the race. I’m happy to do another five months of fill-ins, wherever you need me. But after that why don’t you retire to sunny beaches, gentle waves, and Tequila Sunrises. And let Kamala or Donald or whoever get their own doppelgangers–this one wants to go home.

With Warmest Regards.

Your friend and imposter,

Dave.

Is the Democratic Party Living in Fantasyland?

Which quote should be the new motto of the Democratic party?

A. “Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain!” The Wizard of Oz

B. “Who ya gonna believe, me or your own eyes?” Duck Soup

C. “The Party told you to reject the evidence of your eyes and ears.” 1984

D. All of the Above

I’m going with “D”. Each one of those lines is an embodiment of what the Democratic Party and President Joe Biden’s inner circle are trying to tell us.

“It was a one-time blip.” “Like everyone he has good days and bad days.” “He had a cold.” Horsefeathers!

I’ll give you one more movie quote.

“I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take this anymore.” Network

The party of my youth, my middle age, and my retirement, the party whose convention I have planned on volunteering at, the party that was going to save our nation, has gone ostrich, sticking its head in the sand. Do they really think that a few million voters in key states will forget last Thursday?

I read in today’s New York Times that “in a Zoom audio call on Monday with about 500 members of campaign’s National Finance Committee and some other contributors, some of the Biden campaign’s senior-most officials held forth for an hour on a special call, including the chair Jennifer O’Malley Dillon, deputy campaign manager Quentin Fulks and a pollster Molly Murphy.”

Am I the only one who has a problem with that Zoom call? Where was Joe? The ONLY person who can convince me and the masses that Joe Biden can successfully serve four more years in the White House is Joe Biden. If he can’t be allowed to meet with his biggest donors, what message is he sending to them, and to us?

I know that President Biden has served our country well. I understand he has pride and a combative nature. I realize some party bigwigs fear a divided convention while others fret over a Kamala Harris candidacy. There is no crystal ball predicting the future.

But I am fearful and angry when I hear the President plans to stick with this all the way to November.

And so, just as a young White Sox fan once begged Shoeless Joe Jackson over 100 years ago, I am beseeching you to say it ain’t so, Joe.

Do you agree with me? disagree? Leave a comment and let me know.

Related: Jill Help Joe.

Please Dr. Biden. Help Joe Out.

I am worried. I am concerned. I am terrified. What I witnessed last night has left me shaken and fearful.

Half a year ago. I posted a blog asking President Biden to weigh his options and announce that we would not run for re-election in 2024. Heck, I even wrote the speech for him–and a pretty damn good one, if I must say so myself.

Sadly, Good Ole Joe felt in his bones that he had another four years left. And with his State of the Union address, he came close to convincing me. But last night was a different Joe.

All the backroom talk I had heard about his decline took on new vibrancy. From his first moment walking to the podium, until his final summation, I saw that this was not a man our country would choose in November.

Sure, the spin is that he gained momentum as the evening went on. So what? It’s like a drama critic writing that I wrote a terrible play, but the epilogue was OK. By then, it’s just too late, the damage has been done.

I disagree with almost everything Donald Trump says and stands for. He is a liar, a bully, a narcissist. He has the potential to lead us into a nightmare future. But after last night, I see him as our country’s next President. And I quake.

So Dr. Jill Biden, please intervene. Talk to Joe. Tell him not to run. You don’t have to say it’s because of age or fragility. Say it for the sake of you – his wife, or Hunter – his son. Do it for me. Do it for our country. Do it now.

A Wise Friend In A Troubling Time

When the world is confusing and not understandable, it helps to look to the words of those who are wiser than us. Today I was struck by a Facebook posting from my friend, lunch buddy, and fellow Bruce Springsteen fan Joel Stern. Joel, a retired attorney, frequently writes eloquently about his personal battle with cancer. Today he has done a marvelous job encapsulating his beliefs on the crisis in the Middle East and on campuses here at home. I echo most of his views, and with his permission, I am printing a lightly edited version of his Facebook remarks.

I am a proud centrist. Proud because centrists bring people together and not apart. Proud because centrists can understand either party’s position and even side with the other party when he/she thinks they are right. I also see the same issues arising globally and if you follow history, this period of time looks very similar to the 1930s and we all know what happened next.

Today, I do feel compelled to write about the college protests going on throughout the United States. Let me start with some high level views. First, I am a great believer in free speech. Second, I am very supportive of peaceful protests done pursuant to the law. Third, I have no issue with people speaking and protesting about views I unequivocally disagree with, Fourth, I want peace in the Middle East. I hate the killing of innocent children (and adults) and the inability for a “real” peace to occur.

What I can’t support is an antisemitic movement masked by a pro-Palestinian protest. What I can’t stand is professional protestors with no allegiance to a cause but only money spearheading these protests. What I have disdain for is many of the protestors on campus are not even students. What I abhor is many protestors not even understanding why they are protesting and who have no idea of the complicated history in the Middle East and no idea what “from the sea to the river means.” What I hate is the brain manipulation that is being done on young college students who have no clue why they are protesting. The “dummying up” of America is happening on college campuses – this is the opposite of what college needs to be about. What I will not accept is protestors hailing Hamas as saviors and the victims and not even understanding the difference between Palestinians and Hamas. What I hate is the ignoring of what happened October 6, 2023. At least be consistent in your views of innocent people dying. To ignore what happened in October is confirmation of your singular purpose. What I don’t like is protests impacting parents’ ability to get their kids from schools or a son trying to fly to another city to see his ailing father but because of protests by the airport is not able to make his plane. What I detest is our children (our future) not being able to get an education because of these protests. If the protestors believe their actions are leading to a change of mind and heart in Americans, they are sorely wrong. It is having the opposite effect. Shame!

I hope and pray for peace. I want Israelis and Palestinians to find a way to live in peace even if that means a separate country for Palestinians. I want colleges to have the balls to protect their universities and students so students can take courses to learn including “free thought.” There is no freaking way protestors should be able to take over buildings. This needs to stop. I want people to first seek to understand and then solve versus ready, fire aim mentality. I want the centrists to force their political parties to represent the majority will and not the crazies on both sides of the party. As said in “Network” – “I’m mad as hell and am not going to take it anymore!”

I couldn’t say it better, so I am glad Joel has said it for me. Readers, let me know your thoughts.

Does Trump Have America By The Pussy?

“Grab ’em by the pussy. You can do anything.”

Where were you in October of 2016 when the Washington Post published the infamous Donald Trump/Hollywood Access tapes? Did you, like me, assume that this was it, that this was the moment the wheels would come flying off and the Trump train would derail for good?

How wrong we were. That comment and the rest of his “locker room” chatter with Billy Bush proved to be barely a speed bump in the theretofore unimaginable presidential campaign of 2016. And that was just the beginning of the Trump Express. Trump won in 2016, claimed he won in 2020, and has an excellent chance of winning in 2024.

Trump has grabbed us right in the privates. How have we let this happen? How has the American electorate elevated a demagogue with no discernable skills other than to shine a light on our fears and stoke our hatred to once again be within baby steps of the highest office of the land?

He has informed us of his plans to be a dictator. As he told Mr. Bush on that long-ago recording “…when you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything.” For millions of Americans, he is more than a star. He is a prince, a king, a god waiting to ascend to Mt. Olympus. After all, he has let us know God (Judeo-Christian variety to be precise) has anointed him. Just ask an evangelical.

America, I think we are in trouble. The world is a powder keg, a tinder box. An irrational, unprincipled US President will not bring to the world peace or an end to all wars. He will create a vacuum. The race by aggressive world leaders to fill that void will have the explosive force of hydrogen atoms crunching together in a fusion reactor. None of us will escape the fallout.

I will concede things are not perfect in the present administration. Yes, we need to figure out and pass a humanitarian border/dreamer policy. Yes, we may need to take a more nuanced stand on events on the world stage. The far left is as outrageous as the far right (though I would argue less dangerous.)

But America, please don’t reelect the guy who wants to grab us by the pussy. Let’s grow some balls and welcome Joe Biden for another four years. Not all nice guys have to finish last!

Some Limericks for Our Times

A little look ahead toward the season to come. No, not the Holiday Season, the Republican Primary Season. With apologies to all!

Ms. Haley is from Carolina
She can give you a lecture on China
With her thoughts she can grab you
While with her heels she will stab you
I fear her plans might give you angina

In the South is a bloke named DeSantis
Not much height he is short as a mantis.
In all the polls he is dropping
His run seems to be flopping
I think he will sink like Atlantis

Young Vivek Ramaswamy's a newbie
Who glistens and shines like a ruby
In manners he's lacking
Other pols he's attacking
Chill out dude, have a puff, here's a doobie.

The ex-guv'nor of New Jersey is running
But I'd prefer Chris Christie off somewhere sunning
He'll shoot from the rump
To head off the Trump
A victory by him would be stunning

Don Trump's still the leading contender
He's beloved by the masculine gender
Is there still time at this juncture
His great ego to puncture
Or will he just bask in his splendor?

The Speech I Need To Hear From President Joe Biden

The 500+ words that I long to hear from our President. Written by Lester Raff.

November 15, 2023

My Fellow Americans:

Three years ago this month, in a hard-fought and fairly won election, you chose me to serve as your President. Thus far I have served you faithfully and to the best of my ability, and I will continue to do so for the remainder of my term of office. But tonight I am choosing to look beyond the next 12 months. I look to the Presidential election of 2024 and the consequential four years to follow.

After deep, thoughtful, discussions with my family, my friends and advisors, the leaders of both houses of Congress, and after examining my faith, I have decided that I will not accept my party’s nomination to be the Democratic nominee for President of the United States in 2024.

I feel a great sense of pride when I look back on my first three years in office. Our economy is booming, with unemployment virtually non-existent, inflation tamed, and interest rates ready to fall. We have launched our efforts toward a carbon-neutral environment and we have seen unions once more mark out a space for our working class.

Sure, we haven’t solved all our problems. This is good ole Joe and I know that! We have worked for humanitarian solutions to the situations at our border, to poverty, and to crime. We are not there yet. And the world remains a dangerous place. But we have strived to remind the world that we Americans will defend countries seeking freedom, peace, and an absence of terror.

Why have I decided that January 20, 2025, will be my last day as your President? I have no fear of another election battle, one I am confident I would be triumphant in. I have no concern that my age would prevent me from fulfilling my duties in the manner the position requires. I have no doubt that with the aid of Congress we would continue to make progress on the matters of most consequence and their impact on the lives of everyday Americans.

But each man is allotted a limited number of days and years on this earth. By the end of this term, I will have given 54 years to the service of my country. I have done so gladly and I have not regretted a single moment, from my days on the New Castle County Council to my years in the White House. Soon will be the time for me to be with my family, to provide them with support and comfort. I want to write my memoirs while all is still fresh, and of course, remain a strong voice for freedom and democracy.

My party is filled with brilliant, caring individuals who have already done much and deserve the opportunity to do more. I encourage these men and women to seek the Democratic nomination for the 2024 Presidential election. I hope Kamala Harris, who has been a strong advisor and a willing ear during her Vice-Presidency will be one of those, but that is her decision to make.

I want to assure the nation that I will not be a “lame duck” President. In the 14 months remaining in my term, I will continue to fight for what I believe in, those ideals that make us the strongest, proudest, most equitable nation we can be.

In closing, as we approach the 160th anniversary of Abraham Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address I repeat his words that this “government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.”

God Bless You All. Goodnight.

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Putin Shows Us Why Trump Must Not Be Re-Elected

You start an insurrection in the USA, and you may find yourself standing trial, facing prison sentences, or having a crimp put in your campaign for the highest office in the land. Start an insurrection in Russia, like Yevgeny Prigozhin, and you find yourself dead.

Donald Trump calls the many investigations into his “activities” witchhunts. He verbally attacks prosecutors, judges, the press, and anyone who will not fall into line with his mad pronouncements on the 2020 presidential election. But we are not Russia. Because enough people in this country accept and protect the values that our republic aspires to, Donald Trump is able to live among us as a walking, breathing citizen, awaiting trial, safely flying wherever he chooses to go,

We are not perfect. I understand that we have not always lived up to the most noble values, and perhaps never totally will. And I think I understand why a person like Donald Trump will always admire a ruthless dictator like Vladimir Putin. Yevgeny Prigozhin leads an apparent attempted coup in June, in August a plane he is flying in crashes from the sky.

As I write this, there is no confirmatory evidence that Putin or his henchman were behind the plane crash. There is just conjecture and coincidence in a country where one man’s word is the word of law.

Our nation must never drift that way. We must never again elect a president who seeks that type of power. We don’t want or need to shoot him from the sky, just try him, convict him, and elect a man better than him as our president.

No One Expects The Braggish Inquisition!

We have enjoyed our friends at Monty Python once before. So glad to see them back together again as we revisit their most famous skit.

Scene: Florida. A large private room in the Mar-a-Lago Resort. Those present are Former President Donald Trump and his attorneys Todd Blanche, Susan Necheles, and Joe Tacopina. They are gathered around a 75″ TV screen showing Tucker Carlson, while Tacopina studies his cell phone:

Tacopina: Trouble in New York
Necheles: Oh no – what kind of trouble?
Tacopina (distracted, mumbling): Theee ae ging t char Pent Trp.
Blanche: Pardon?
Tacopina (still mumbling): Theee ae ging t char Pent Trp.
Necheles: I don’t understand what you’re saying.
Tacopina (irritated and over-enunciating): They are going to charge President Trump.
Blanche: Well what on earth for?
Tacopina: Blimey I don’t know – I just got a text from my PA saying DA Bragg is going to charge President Trump. I didn’t expect you to give me the Braggish Inquisition.

[JARRING CHORD]
[The door flies open and New York District Attorney Alvin Bragg charges in, flanked by Stormy Daniels and Karen McDougal.

Bragg: NOBODY expects the Braggish Inquisition! My chief weapon is surprise…surprise and Michael Cohen…Michael Cohen and surprise… My two weapons are Michael Cohen and surprise…and all those checks he signed… My three weapons are Michael Cohen, surprise, and all those checks he signed…and the business documents that were falsified… My four...no… Amongst my weapons…. Amongst my weaponry…are such elements as Michael Cohen, surprise….blah, blah, blah. Stormy, read the charges!

Daniels: Former President Trump you are hereby charged that you did on diverse dates pay hush money to moi and did cause Michael Cohen to take out a home equity loan to pay for it. And then pay him back and cover it up.

McDougal: And don’t forget about you and me!

Bragg: Former President Trump, how do you plead?

Trump, Neheles, Tacopina, and Blanche (in unison): We’re innocent.

McDougal and Daniels (diabolical laughter): Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Bragg: I will soon change your mind about that! I will use Michael Cohen, surprise, signed checks, business documents, yada, yada, yada…and the best known of our devices of torture…the Iron Maiden!

Bragg points to the door as Melania Trump enters the room.

Melania: Oh you stupid Donald. I have pictures of everything. And it will take more than $150,000 to get rid of me. A lot more. Besides, I can’t wait to see you in an orange prison jumpsuit to match your hair.

Bragg: NOW how do you plead?

Trump: Guilty! Guilty! Guilty! I’ll do anything to get away from her.

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President Biden, Let Me Be Your Dave.

Hey fellow Democrats, have I got a plan for you!

I hatched the whole plot on a chilly, sunny, day earlier this week. Walking into the house I saw my reflection in the glass door pane. And for a split-second, just for an instant, I thought I was looking at our nation’s Commander-in-Chief, our President, the Honorable Joseph R. Biden. Maybe it was the sunglasses, maybe it was the white hair, but the slight resemblance was there.

Now, this similarity is not necessarily complimentary to me. After all, Joe B is 14 years older than I am. But for Democratic voters, those 14 years are the problem, and I am the solution.

We all remember the movie Dave, right? Kevin Kline stars as a nobody who happens to look like the President, and is recruted to impersonate him after the President suffers a secret stroke. My plan, and you need to hear me out on this, is to let me be this year’s Dave!

The 2024 Presidential Election is right around the corner. We anticipate that Good Ole Joe will announce his plans to run for re-election shortly. The issue with that re-election run is that too many potential Biden voters are concerned about the President’s age.

What, they worry, will happen if Biden suffers a stroke, a heart attack, or a sudden death. Are we all comfortable with Kamala Harris assuming the Presidency, temporarily or gasp, permanently? Might that fear push some centrist Dems, some staunch independents, and some RINO/Never-Trumper Republicans to all get behind a semi-sane GOP candidate such as Nikki Haley? Will we have to suffer a potential red wave on the horizon?

I think we need to change the impression of Biden as old and ready to fall down in a stiff breeze–and do it now, while there is still time. So let me be the Prez’s stand-in. I can sign bills (if a divided Congress can pass any) with a flourish. I can give State of the Union addresses and then cartwheel down the aisles of the Senate Chamber. I can be videoed doing my sweaty morning regimen of elliptical riding, push-ups, and planks. I’d even submit to some bare-chested shots à la Putin. All to show a hale and healthy “Biden” that people would be comfortable voting for.

I realize this opportunity will necessitate a move to the DC area and secret living arrangements. Now that I am retired I can do that. I just have to make sure that nobody inside the Beltway recognizes me, especially not my nephew and his wife. They tend to be Republican and might spill the beans.

I do realize that there is a risk that the real President might suffer an incapacitating incident or perhaps even expire while in office. I will just carry on the ruse, Weekend at Bernie’s style. Mr. Biden’s State Funeral will have to wait until his term is over.

So, Democratic National Party, I am waiting to hear from you. I think we can make it work, don’t you?