We're a divided country but can we agree?
Insurance is boring, it brings us no glee.
So all the big Corps, that offer it to us
Must think of new ways, with which they can do us.
Those insurance giants, they got so creative.
They presented to us, a Neanderthal native.
If buying insurance by cavemen is really that easy,
We all should go for it, despite a pitch that's so cheesy.
Progressive and Flo have pushed bundling for ages.
She's cheerful, a pain, and like Covid, contagious.
The shifty dude Mayhem chooses the opposite tactic,
For protection from him, buy an Allstate proph'lactic.
Who can forget, that rude duck from AF-LAC?
Twas the late Gilbert Gottfried who made that fowl quack.
While LiMu the Emu goes through all his paces,
That slimey green gecko shows up in weird places.
We watch Jake from State Farm, the two guys who portrayed him,
Wore khacki slacks with red shirts, yes that's how they played him.
And speaking of players, whom we're refusing to cheer for
Screw that Packer QB, when selling insurance he's here for.
How many of you, who are reading today,
Remember Jack Benny and his skinflinty way?
State Farm was the sponsor of his comedy show,
He pinched all his pennies and hoped they would grow.
And of course there was Alex, of the Jeopardy! game,
Who hawked life insurance, til death put out his flame.
And jolly old Ed, latenight side-kick to Johnny,
Was the barker who told you, getting coverage was bonnie.
The slogans, the symbols that they use to distract us.
While picking our pockets, those premiums impact us.
Yet I hope that these memories still brought you a smile.
Whilst John Hancock's abandoned the Magnificent Mile.
------------------------------------------
President Trump, as he would appear as a Supreme court Justice
SATIRE
Washington, DC
Acting just hours after the death of the beloved Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, President Trump indicated that he would submit his own name to Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell as her replacement.
In a rambling statement on the White House lawn, and responding to questions by reporters, Trump stated “I had the utmost respect for Granma Ginny, but I was just waiting for her to die. Cryin’ Chuck wanted her living, but she was too weak to fight cancer, something millions of good Republicans fight every day. There are no dead heroes on the Supreme Court. I will be a living hero, and I am going to live a long, very long, time.”
When asked how this impacted his role as President, Trump stated that he felt no conflicts in maintaining both positions. “My legal experts, the great minds Sean Hannity, Tucker Carlson, and Rudy Giuliani, agree with me that nowhere, nowhere in our Constitution, our wonderful, wonderful Constitution, does it say a President can’t be on the Supreme Court. And believe me, I read the whole thing every night.”
In response to questions as to which judges he would model himself after he listed several including “the guy from Night Court who also did magic tricks and the first one from The People’s Court,” but not Judge Judy, who he said, “was just a hotter version of Nervous Nancy (Pelosi).” Asked to name his favorite current Supreme Court Justice, President Trump was unable to name any, forgetting both Neil Gorsuch and Brett Kavanaugh, both nominated by him and appointed during his own term.
Responding to a question about his thoughts on legal precedents, Trump clearly stated his position that “I am the legal President, I beat Crazy Hillary by 4 million votes, at least, and probably much, much more. And when I am on the Supreme court I can make sure that I will be legally elected one or maybe two, I haven’t decided yet, times.”
Senate Majority Leader McConnell, reached by telephone at his Kentucky home, stated that the appointment process would proceed swiftly to ensure that the “American people are never without a full Supreme Court for more than a matter of weeks,” blaming President Obama for the long gap following the death of Antonin Scalia in 2016. “He was only going to be in office nine more months so he had no right to choose the next Justice. I made sure he couldn’t. This is totally different.” When asked how it was different, McConnell said his wife, Secretary of Transportation Elaine Chao, needed him in the kitchen and hung up the phone.
In related news, the family of the late Justice Ginsburg requested that no members of the Trump family attend her memorial service “in keeping with the wishes of half of America.”
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We have been inundated with the news that Donald Trump successfully remembered for a few minutes the sequence “person, woman, man, camera, TV” as part of his recent cognitive skills test. Well, I can remember five words with a similar cadence, and they are from a lot more than a few minutes ago. In fact, they are from the 1960s. I first heard the words in 1961 when I was five years old. My cognitive skills must be pretty good because I have no trouble remembering “Man, Woman, Birth, Death, Infinity.”
A memorable moment in John Fitzgerald Kennedy’s inauguration speech? No way. The recitation was the introduction to each week’s episode of Ben Casey, the TV drama about earnest young physician Dr. Casey (Vince Edwards) and his older mentor, Dr. Zorba. Each week the two docs would battle deadly diseases on ABC, while also waging a ratings battle with much more handsome, but much less broody, James Kildare (a pre-Thorn Birds Richard Chamberlain) on rival NBC’s Dr. Kildare.
Being the curious sort, I decided to see how Dr. Casey would compare with President Trump. Let’s see how they stack up!
Dr. Ben Casey Vs President Trump
For me, Dr. Ben has it nailed. And hey, I just remembered another 5 words I want you to remember: Vote for Biden in November!
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You’ve seen them on YouTube and Facebook by the hundreds. Average people, people like you and me, confined with their partners or all alone in houses and apartments across the country, diving deep into their inner souls and belting out tunes. Show tunes, pop songs, operas, inspiring gospel, and, parody songs that bring some lightness into our current grayness.
Wait–parody songs? I can write those. I’ve written lots of parody songs. Homebuilding, politics, Tony Awards…I’ve written parody songs about them and included them in my blogs since the very beginning back in 2015. That is to say, I have included my lyrics in my blogs. Never have I tried to actually perform and record one of those ditties. I wanted to spare my readers from that.
But times are different now, free time is abundant, and after watching a couple sing their homage to Simon and Garfunkle’s “Homeward Bound” I decided to cross the Rubicon, to take the plunge, to say WTF. I was going to write a parody, coerce Barb into performing it with me and post it on-line. (Those of you who witnessed our parody of “I Got You, Babe” before a live audience last year are already quivering, though I can’t tell if it is with anticipation or terror.) To my utter amazement, I was able to convince Barb to give it a try.
First to pick a song to parody. My (unintentional) target demographic is boomers, so I looked for a tune that would immediately resonate with our “2nd Greatest Generation” in our most trying time. A tune that could be performed by a couple in our earlyish AARP years, and which could call for some simple piano. It didn’t take me long to choose. Barb and I would become Archie and Edith Bunker, belting out a rousing rendition of “Those Were the Days,” Coronavirus edition.
I composed my lyrics in half-an-hour, then downloaded the sheet music and replaced the printed libretto with my own. Barb sat at our piano — a more upscale model than the Bunkers’s had in their Queen’s apartment, but that was part of the fun. She worked hard, very hard, at nailing the music. We fine-tuned the lyrics to match the melody and meter. We discussed where to get props: a frilly apron for Barb, a cigar for me. I learned how to work the remote control on my AppleWatch to turn on the iPhone video camera. We rehearsed, rehearsed, rehearsed.
After half a day of preparation, we were ready to go. I scouted out camera locations, finally deciding on fastening the phone to the strut of the piano lid. Oodles of blue tape went into holding the phone in place at just the right height and at just the right angle.
Lights, camera, action!
We tried. Oh Lord, we tried. On some takes, I hit the photo button instead of the video button. On some takes, the camera angle was wrong. On some takes, the grandfather clocked chimed. And above all, every take had one thing in common. We stunk! We were flat, we were pitchy, we blew the lyrics. I came in a beat too early, Barb a beat too late. And as for harmony — man, you have got to be kidding!
I sadly announce: we gave up. All videos were sent to the trash, not to YouTube. We will never be social media stars. But for any of you who have the itch, my lyrics to “Pre-Covid Days” follow. Feel free to upload your version. Just give us credit for the lyrics, Charles Strouse credit for the music, and send us a link!
Pre-Covid Days
Last year things were going fine
We were living on cloud nine
Eating steak and drinking wine
Pre-Covid days
**
Went to movies on date night
Great restaurants to grab a bite
Planes were packed for every flight
Pre-Covid days
**
We could walk along the shore
We could open every door
Now we’re staying home
Can’t go to Neiman-Marcus no more
**
The world is gonna whip this bug
But now’s a time to just unplug
Give your kids a virtual hug
It’s Covid days
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Europe. Early 14th Century. Bill and Ted suddenly appear in their time traveling phone booth. The village elder approaches them in wonder.
Bill:“Dudes, we gotta tell you something. There’s like this disease or something that’s coming and it is truly gnarly. They call it Black Death or the Plague or some sh*t like that, and it can kill you. No B.S. it can like wipe out half the population of Europe. Whole cities will turn purple and die.
Ted: You catch it from these teeny-tiny things called bacteria that you have never heard of and can’t even see. But we have these science bros that know all about them. And the cool thing is they have invented this thing called a vaccine that they stick into your arm. It’s nasty and might make you puke for a day or two, but if they shoot it into you, you won’t get all plaguey and die. It’s worth a try, isn’t it?”
Village Elder: “Meh.”
150 million people succumb to the Black Death.
Etaples, France. Fall of 1917. Two Dr. Whos suddenly appears in their TARDIS time machine. The mayor of the town approaches them in wonder.
Dr. Who #1: “I say, you don’t know me, but I am a time lord and like to wander around the universe helping civilizations, or ‘civilisations’ as I like to call them. I know you are in the middle of a very brutish war, lots of people and horses killed and all that. And I know you are dealing with poison gas, and rain and mud. But we are here to warn you about something completely different.”
Dr. Who #2: “It this virus, you see. It causes a dreadful flu that can spread rather quickly. It’s a tricky little bugger, it can even send a healthy ex-soldier to the nether world. People call it the Spanish Flu, but it is quite as deadly to you Frenchies, and you know the Brits and Yanks can get it too. But we have the antidote, or rather, the protection against it. It’s called a vaccine and a quick dab in the arm and people can sneeze all over you and you won’t catch the flu at all.
Village Mayor: “Meh.”
Almost 100 million people die in the Spanish Flu epidemic
America. Spring of 2019. Dedicated researchers have created vaccines that have wiped out smallpox. Other serious infectious diseases such as polio, chickenpox, mumps, measles and German measles can be nearly eliminated through worldwide vaccine programs.
Anti Vax Promoters: “Meh.”
From January 1 to May 10, 2019, 839** individual cases of measles have been confirmed in 23 states. This is an increase of 75 cases from the previous week. This is the greatest number of cases reported in the U.S. since 1994 and since measles was declared eliminated in 2000. (https://www.cdc.gov/measles/cases-outbreaks.html)
Why can’t we learn?
____
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That is about to change. The pictures are expected to show us Black Hole Sagittarius A, 26,000 light years away, virtually a next door neighbor in space-time measurement. It’s just a mere moment or two at warp speed, Mr. Sulu.
We are all tingling with anticipation. No one knows exactly what that hole in the universe will look like…or what has been sucked into Sagittarius A’s massive maw.
In an effort to solve this mystery, I emulated Professor Einstein and did my first ever thought experiment. After some deep introspection, I can predict 10 items that will be found at the bottom of the Sag A, things we thought were gone forever.
10 Things at the Bottom of Sagittarius A
The hosts of the last 10 Oscar telecasts.
The polar ice caps.
Merrick Garland’s Supreme Court Nomination.
The Chicago Cubs 2017 and 2018 baseball seasons.
The last 15 Chicago White Sox baseball seasons.
North Korea’s denuclearization plan.
Aunt Becky’s Mother of the Year Award.
Harvey Weinstein.
Fourteen recently excused Cabinet Secretaries and members of senior White House staff.
Rahm and Toni.
I am sure there will be more, but my thought experiment cap has burned out. We will just have to wait to see what all those scientists find.
____
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Do you love breakfast for dinner? You can call it brinner or you can call it brupper. We just call it our favorite. And where do we go for our brinner/brupper? It has got to be Walker Brothers Original pancakes.
It doesn’t matter where we live. Every time we have moved, a new Walker Brothers has nipped at our heels. From the original in Wilmette, to Arlington Heights, Glenview, Highland Park, and Lake Zurich, we have enjoyed them all. But the Lincolnshire location has been our home base for the last 30 years.
Our tastes have matured as our my waistline has expanded. Gone are the days when every meal at Walker Brothers included an Apple Pancake, bursting with apples, cinnamon (Barb’s favorite ingredient,) and BUTTER (my favorite ingredient.) These days, a whiff as one passes by is enough to satisfy that craving.
Recently our desires have been satisfied by the lighter items on the menu, the crispy Swedish Pancakes with lingonberry filling, and the enormous, fluffy, German Pancake, a flying saucer created for the sole purpose of dousing it with lemon juice and confectioners sugar. The waiter always tells us it is a 20-minute wait, and I always say that’s fine. It is worth the wait. I devour it in far less than 20 minutes, though when I am in a generous mood, I will give Barb a bite or two.
For 60 years, neither Barb nor I have been egg-eaters. In a stunning turn-around, Barb, looking for something a little healthier to brinner on, has begun eating egg whites, scrambled and well-done. But make them real please, none of that concentrate from a carton for her!
Always, always, always, there has been bacon. Crispy strips alongside our pancakes, nestled next to the eggs, lurking beneath the lingonberries. Melt in your mouth delicious bacon. Just enough for every morsel to be devoured before our meal is over, not enough to feel like a glutton.
But last week, the un-happenable happened. Barb filled up on her eggs and that little taste of my German Pancake, couldn’t finish her bacon and took a slice home. And there it sits in our fridge, sad and lonely, growing limper by the day.
Barb and I were not at a Super Bowl party on Sunday. Oh, we watched the game, had a tail-gate worthy ribs dinner, and cheered on the Patriots. And we did it almost alone, just sharing the excitement with the Milo the pup and Phoebe the cat.
For the first time in years, we were in town and not at a party on Super Bowl Sunday. No invitations came our way. Of course, we could have thrown a party at our house but we have had several gatherings here recently and didn’t feel like planning (or cleaning up from) another one. So I was able to watch every smothered run, every incomplete pass, and all those Los Angeles punts. Plus the commercials and New England’s one lonely touchdown.
But it just wasn’t the same. Super Bowl Sunday is meant to be shared. So if you invite us to your party next year, I make the following ten promises.
Remember the 1980’s Pantene Shampoo Commercial with Kelly LeBrock simpering the unforgettable line “Don’t Hate Me Because I’m Beautiful”? Now it is my turn to say, “Don’t hate me because I have a Canada Goose jacket.” And please down steal my coat.
Let me explain. For years I have survived in Chicago with a nice quality, mid-length leather jacket. But unrepairable tears in both the leather and the lining put me in the market for something new for winter last fall.
Barb and I made our way to Nordstrom’s in Old Orchard, my go-to place for men’s fashion since the demise of Mark Shale Men’s Stores. I searched and searched for leather jackets while Barb and our sales assistant stood back and smirked. They knew what I didn’t know. No one stocked leather men’s jackets anymore. If I was walking out of the store with a jacket, I would be walking out with a Canada Goose.
I admit that I was totally ignorant of Canada Goose at the time. I had never noticed the oversized collars, the snorkel-like hoods, the red patches on the shoulders of so many of the patrons of all the hip local restaurants and movie mavens crowding into the Cineplex on a Saturday night.
But with the proper guidance, by the end of the Nordstrom’s visit, I was carrying my new Canada Goose home with me. By the first sub-freezing day in the Chicago ‘burbs, I was very glad I had it, keeping me toasty warm.
I’m not saying the coat is perfect. After one wearing, I removed the furry collar. Even rolled down and tucked out of the way, the hood is pretty bulky, making it difficult to look back over my shoulder when I am reversing out of the garage. (Yes, I have rearview cameras, but I still like turning around and taking a look.) And the double zipper is a major pain. I have spent many extra minutes trying to get it to zip, while the poor dog crosses his legs and tries not to pee on the laundry room floor. Sorry about that, Milo.
I have since learned of the other issues with Canada Goose jackets. PETA has protested the use and violent means of obtaining goose feathers and coyote fur. Armed robbers are taking the jackets from their owners by force. So it is not all laughs and giggles.
But if you see me walking Milo in the neighborhood in the -10º wind chill, both of us all bundled up, here’s the scoop. You can take my headphones, you might be able to take my dog, but you will never get my jacket! And please don’t hate me!
I listen to a lot of sports radio. WSCR The Score is on my office boom box at least half the day, alternating with the music and charming repartee of my best friends in the whole world, Lin Brehmer and Mary Dixon on WXRT. So I am used to a little bombast, a little hyperbole, and a lot of BS. You know, things like Corey Parkey is the worst kicker off all time, and Javier Baez is already a Hall-of-Famer. (My apologies if you aren’t a sports fan.)
But even listening with just half an ear yesterday morning, this one stopped me cold. Dan “Love Him or Hate Him” Bernstein was reading copy (I couldn’t tell if it was live or on tape) for one of the many, many, many product endorsements he makes. “Quip is going to change your life,” he read, his sincerity radiating through the airwaves.
“What is Quip?” you ask. Readers, it is a toothbrush, Danny, how in the world is it going to change my life?
I am a firm believer in oral hygiene. I brush my teeth at least twice a day, and see my dentist twice a year (shout out to Dr. F enjoying retirement in Florida–Hi there Syl!) I haven’t had a new cavity in years. So just how is a new toothbrush going to change my life. Can it really compare with, say, life-saving heart surgery?
Oh, I know, this toothbrush is super fancy with buzzers and timers and a handy suction sticker. And even MORE special it comes with a subscription for replacement brushes every few weeks. Just what we all need, another regular hit on our credit cards–or PayPal if you prefer. Maybe some industrious Gen X’er will link up the toothbrush subscription with a razor blade subscription. Do that and I won’t have to go to Target for anything anymore.
So Dan, I will keep on listening to the show. I will tolerate all your endorsements for the beef packages, the discount wine, the meal kits that take an hour to prepare, and the cheap loans. But when it comes to a toothbrush, in the words of your old partner Terry Boers, who you crappin?
Remember the 1980’s Pantene Shampoo Commercial with Kelly LeBrock simpering the unforgettable line “Don’t Hate Me Because I’m Beautiful”? Now it is my turn to say, “Don’t hate me because I have a Canada Goose jacket.” And please down steal my coat.
Getting More From Les 