Confessions of a Presidential Doppelgänger: Why I Need Joe to Hang Up His Hat

Hi Joe,

Remember me? It’s me, Dave. You know, the guy who can fill in for you at a moment’s notice. The dude who looks enough like you behind a pair of Ray-Bans that the Washington press corp gets fooled for a minute or two.

I took the job, with its hefty paycheck and the 24/7 on-call responsibility, with the understanding that it would be all quick hits. You know, things like when I took over for you when you got the stomach flu on the evening you were supposed to meet the Japanese ambassador. Or the time I stepped up to the plate when the Little League champions came to the White House for a photo op and you had a bad case of sniffles. Heck, I even did the teleprompter thing for you at a donor luncheon the day Jill needed you to bring some boxes to her classroom.

But Joe, I’ve got to tell you that I am worried. I’ve watched the debate; I’ve seen the George Stephanopoulos interview. And you know what has me upset? Not that you might lose the election — though that sure looks likely. I’m worried about the small chance that you are going to win!

Here’s the skinny. We know that you are a trooper between 10 am and 4 pm. But what about all the policy breakfasts and state dinners that are outside of those hours? If you are Prez for another four years are you going to need me to substitute for you on all of those appointments? Am I going to have to give up ALL my “Netflix and Chill” nights to pretend to be the “President”? That’s not quite what I took this gig for. After all, before I became your Dave I was retired and loving it.

So please Joe. Think of me and get out of the race. I’m happy to do another five months of fill-ins, wherever you need me. But after that why don’t you retire to sunny beaches, gentle waves, and Tequila Sunrises. And let Kamala or Donald or whoever get their own doppelgangers–this one wants to go home.

With Warmest Regards.

Your friend and imposter,

Dave.

Is the Democratic Party Living in Fantasyland?

Which quote should be the new motto of the Democratic party?

A. “Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain!” The Wizard of Oz

B. “Who ya gonna believe, me or your own eyes?” Duck Soup

C. “The Party told you to reject the evidence of your eyes and ears.” 1984

D. All of the Above

I’m going with “D”. Each one of those lines is an embodiment of what the Democratic Party and President Joe Biden’s inner circle are trying to tell us.

“It was a one-time blip.” “Like everyone he has good days and bad days.” “He had a cold.” Horsefeathers!

I’ll give you one more movie quote.

“I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take this anymore.” Network

The party of my youth, my middle age, and my retirement, the party whose convention I have planned on volunteering at, the party that was going to save our nation, has gone ostrich, sticking its head in the sand. Do they really think that a few million voters in key states will forget last Thursday?

I read in today’s New York Times that “in a Zoom audio call on Monday with about 500 members of campaign’s National Finance Committee and some other contributors, some of the Biden campaign’s senior-most officials held forth for an hour on a special call, including the chair Jennifer O’Malley Dillon, deputy campaign manager Quentin Fulks and a pollster Molly Murphy.”

Am I the only one who has a problem with that Zoom call? Where was Joe? The ONLY person who can convince me and the masses that Joe Biden can successfully serve four more years in the White House is Joe Biden. If he can’t be allowed to meet with his biggest donors, what message is he sending to them, and to us?

I know that President Biden has served our country well. I understand he has pride and a combative nature. I realize some party bigwigs fear a divided convention while others fret over a Kamala Harris candidacy. There is no crystal ball predicting the future.

But I am fearful and angry when I hear the President plans to stick with this all the way to November.

And so, just as a young White Sox fan once begged Shoeless Joe Jackson over 100 years ago, I am beseeching you to say it ain’t so, Joe.

Do you agree with me? disagree? Leave a comment and let me know.

Related: Jill Help Joe.

‘Twas Two Days After Polling

‘Twas two days after polling, and all through the US
The country was waiting, an election to bless;
The ballots were endless and counting was slow,
With hopes for a victor before there was snow;
The pundits both writing or those talking heads;
Repeating over and over what the others had said;
My wife in the kitchen, my daughter on the phone,
Were both getting weary from all this unknown,
The President had claimed on the very first night,
That he was the winner, but that was not right.
Even Fox News wasn’t quite that hardy,
Advising he wait before a celebration party.
The pollsters were saying they hadn’t quite blown it,
But they weren’t really sure, if only we’d known it.

Now the headlines are saying there are six more states,
Upon whose numbers the result still awaits,
“Now, Nevada! now, Alaska! now North Carolina!
On, ‘Zona! on, Georgia! on, Pennasylvina!
Give us some results, we all need to hear!
We hope when you’re done it will all be so clear!”
Then the lawsuits will come and accusations will fly,
With more fireworks than the 4th of July;
So up to the Supremes the challenges may go
And we will see how the Court feels about Joe.
Or if for the Donald their loyalties lie
And a judgement for him they decide to apply.
It’s a crazy old system we have in this land,
To try to determine who gets to command.
The millions of dollars on attack TV ads,
Just make us feel angry and the candidates look bad.
Hope we figure it out before New Year’s Eve,
Then we can happily watch two-oh-two-oh leave;

Or by the time that you read this, results all may be here.
And I will end this poem on a note of good cheer.
Keep your head up, keep a smile in your eyes.
Whoever it is, who wins the big prize!

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