(Washington, DC, Special to More about Les) In a surprise but unsurprising move, the Supreme Court today invalidated the 13th Amendment, returning to each state the right to declare slavery legal within its own borders. The Court also declared the Fugitive Slave Act, an 1850 law requiring all states to return runaway slaves to their owners, as the “law of the land.”
Although no legal case involving slavery was before the court, Associate Justice Sam Alioto told reporters “we are merely reestablishing this great nation, the nation that the Founding Fathers created. We feel this Court has that right, and that responsibility.”
The majority opinion, written by Associate Justice Clarence Thomas, stated that since nowhere in the original Constitution was slavery banned, Congress did not have the right to do so.
In a supplement, the Court stated they would be reviewing and potentially discarding all Constitutional amendments, except for the short portion of the 2nd amendment dealing with the right to bear arms, which the supplement states is a “God-given right inadvertently left out of the original Constitution by an inebriated James Madison.”
The majority opinion and supplement were signed by Associate Justices Alito, Thomas, Gorsuch, Kavanaugh, and Coney Barrett. The minority opinion, written by Associate Justice Sotomayor, and signed by Sotomayor and her fellow liberal appointees Associate Justices Kagan and Breyer read in its entirety “These guys are f-ing crazy.” Chief Justice Roberts signed neither opinion and was seen wandering the halls of the Supreme Court Building babbling incoherently.
Justices Gorsuch, Kavanaugh, and Coney Barrett stated that though their confirmation hearings were contentious, no one had asked them their views on slavery, so no one could complain about their opinion on this ruling.
Former President Donald Trump speaking at an NRA convention in rural Mississippi praised the move, stating “It was Giuliani’s idea, but I made this possible, I get all the credit. Hang Pence.” NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre announced the organization would consider changing its name to NRSA, the Nation Rifle and Slavery Association.
In an immediate response to the ruling, Governors Ron DeSantis of Florida and Greg Abbott of Texas announced they will offer tax incentives to any company within their states operating with slave labor. Other state governors and legislatures will likely follow suit.
In a possibly related event, a giant tear was seen on the cheek of the Abraham Lincoln statue at the Lincoln Memorial.
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